Paris Hilton’s Coachella Bikini and Other News

- Hillary Clinton got wasted. [BuzzFeed]

- And some even more important news than the Secretary of State crunking in South America. [theCHIVE]

- Rumer Willis really doesn’t want us to look at her face. God bless her. [Dlisted]

- Ashton Kutcher is probably already done banging this woman and moved on. [Lainey Gossip]

- The 20 Hottest Photos Diana Morales [Heavy]

- A closer look at the Fuck You, Jennifer Aniston Diamond. [TooFab]
- Most Infamous Mistresses in Sports [Bleacher Report]  - Alessandra Ambrosio in lingerie and, more importantly, not pregnant. [Popoholic]

- So who wants to see Brad Pitt when he was 14? I see that hand, Justin Bieber. [IDLYITW]

- Terry Richardson somehow managed to make Candice Swanepoel look wors- No, wait, nipples. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

- Suck an organic dick, Gwyneth Paltrow. Bey’s got a fancier, new BFF. [The FABlife]

- China can’t handle Kate Winslet‘s breasts in 3D. [FilmDrunk]

- Rihanna‘s still tweeting pics of herself in a bikini. [Hollywood Tuna]

- And now Bill Murray‘s saying he might do Ghostbusters 3 after all. Of course. [HuffPost Celebrity]

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Photos: Fame/Flynet, Splash News, WENN

Oh, Phew, Gerard Butler Went To Coachella. Now We Definitely Know There Weren’t Any Drugs There.

[GerardBaby 03:36 4/14/12]: coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke?
[LiloKins 03:37 4/14/12]: coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke!!

Gerard Butler showed up at Coachella over the weekend, so for those of you keeping track of his rehab, he’s not even trying anymore and very possibly just followed the scent of Lindsay Lohan‘s vagina, so “almost dead.” Put him down for almost dead. On that note, just what exactly does a coked up Scotsman due at a wee bonny pansy festival? Pretty much whatever the hell he wants:

- Steal women from said wee pansies? Check.
- Assault cameraman who clearly snapped him mid-coke deal? Check.
- Maul more women away from pansies? Double check.
- Mug Michael Peña? Check.
- Smash Honest Tea bottle into back of hipster DJ’s skull? Let’s assume check.

he Crap We Missed – Monday 4.16.12

In the spirit of Leighton Meester’s ass crack, we put the first Final Five pic upfront today. I believe “heroes” is the word you’re looking for.

Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed which surprisingly includes only one pic from Coachella, which only exists because Rihanna didn’t want her Twitter fans to miss out on the vantage point that the entire Coachella security detail and a dirty, fake-hippie with a half-full bottle of rum totes banged all weekend. We’ve also got Tyrese, the ever classy gentleman, offering a ride home to this nice young lady, as well as James Franco who couldn’t look more like a pedophile if he tried. Wait, scratch that.Raise your hand if your mommy threw the toaster into the tub with you again today,

Miley Cyrus Still Wearing Them Dang Ol’ Itty Bitty Dresses To Perlates Class And Other News

- Cute Russian girls are apparently on the prowl. [theCHIVE]

- Emma Watson finally found someone who won’t yell “Three points for Gryffindor!” post-coital. Let her have this. [Lainey Gossip]

- The NRA has officially lost its shit. [BuzzFeed]

- Jose Canseco just fucked Al Gore‘s mind. [Dlisted]

- Radiohead’s Entire Live Performance at Coachella 2012 [Heavy]

- Scarlett Johannson apparently thought she could bang Sean Penn without anyone finding out. [TooFab]

- Jessica Alba does pro-wrestling. [Bleacher Report]

- Maria Menounos has feet? Since when? [Popoholic]

- Kate Upton does Harper’s Bazaar. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

- Kendall Jenner‘s bikini photo shoot looks like another wonderful Kris Jenner Mother of the Year production. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Remember those insane Sara Jean Underwood Esquire shots? It had outtakes. Sweet, sweet outtakes. [IDLYITW]

- Kelsey Grammer had his wife’s name tattooed on his hip. Smart. [Celebslam]

- Battleship is making a ton of money overseas. Not good. [FilmDrunk]

- Hologram Tupac might be going on tour now. [HuffPost Celebrity]

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Photos: Fame/Flynet, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

The Crap We Missed – Thursday 4.19.12

Q: Why is Kim Kardashian the lead shot? She’s a terrible person.
A: This post. Welcome to Thursday’s The Crap We Missed featuring Josh Hutcherson making it exactly clear why Vanessa Hudgens broke up with him, Seal doing the exact opposite (Yes, I believe this was choreographed.), and we start a new game called ‘Who Looks More Dead?’ Round 1: Jack Black‘s soul vs.Shirley MacLaine., Surprise winner! It’s Leelee Sobieski,

How Will Lindsay Lohan Mess Things Up? Bar Fights. She’ll Mess Things Up With Bar Fights.

I haven’t really touched this story much, so just to bring everyone up to speed, two weeks ago Lindsay Lohan was accused of getting in a fight with a chick at The Standard except she’s adamantly denied even being there and claims to have been home watching TV that night. So of course yesterday,RadarOnline found out the police have footage of Lindsay Lohan at The Standard and not at home watching TV: “Investigators obtained the surveillance video from the Smoke & Mirrors nightclub at The Standard Hotel and it clearly shows that Lindsay was there on the night of the alleged assault,” a law enforcement source tells RadarOnline.com. When contacted for comment, Lohan’s rep initially denied his client was at the hotel and told RadarOnline.com, “Whomever is responsible for this lie will be held accountable for their misguided actions.” However, he is now saying, “We’re going to wait for the Sheriff’s Department to release their findings before we comment any further.” And it gets even better because Lindsay actually went back to The Standard this past Wednesday and got in another fight with a woman. And in case you needed more evidence she’s completely lost her shit, she was there with Michael Lohan which apparently started the fight, according to TMZ: We’re told the girl was hanging out at the booth next to Lindsay’s … when Lohan tapped her on the shoulder aggressively and asked, “Did you bump into me?”

The girl denied the bump … and suggested the real culprit could have been one of the guys in Lindsay’s group. She then pointed to one of the men.

Lindsay replied, “That’s my dad … why would he bump me?”
The girl shot back, “You go clubbing with your dad?”
That’s when Lindsay snapped … so says the witness … who claims Lindsay began cussing at the girl and then threw a drink at her face. Naturally Michael Lohan couldn’t jump in front of a TMZ camera fast enough to confirm he was there – Oh, and that Lindsay’s innocent. But did he mention he was with her? – so you can really tell there’s an incredible series of decisions being made right out of the gate. So while everyone else clearly heard the judge in her probation case say, “Stay away from clubs and don’t do anything illegal,” Lindsay Lohan apparently listened to the cartoon toucan sitting on the gavel instead. “Follow your nose!”

James Franco Hated Making ‘Tristan + Isolde’

“God, where do I begin? For starters, they wouldn’t let my character fight Spider-Man which was bullshit…” It’s always cool to read stories about actors being completely candid about working on movies that were obvious pieces of shit and being honest enough to say, “Yeah, it was a piece of shit.” Except there’s also a fine line that needs to be walked between refreshing candor and bitching about getting paid ridiculous amounts of money to play dress up and not enough people respecting the rich, delicious aromas wafting out of your anus. So you’ll be surprised to learn James Franco has no fucking clue what that line is as evidenced by his latest wank for The Daily Beast where he whines about Tristan + Isolde and manages to shit all over the medical community of Prague. So for your convenience, I pulled some choice quotes and then offered up my translation of what James Franco really meant, but in simpler, less fart-sniffing terms: